


We're A Million Worlds Apart

by igottoomuchwriting



Series: Dear Evan Hansen Rewrite [5]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anger, Angst, Eavesdropping, Idiots, M/M, Sibling Bonding, it shouldn't be this short, short i'm sorry, zoe is confused
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22580770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igottoomuchwriting/pseuds/igottoomuchwriting
Summary: Zoe hears Connor talking to Evan about her
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: Dear Evan Hansen Rewrite [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1264394
Comments: 5
Kudos: 125





	We're A Million Worlds Apart

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry this is so short. I really hate how short it is.

Zoe shut the front door behind her, dropping her backpack in relief. Junior year was giving her a run for her money. Upperclassmen had always warned her that junior year of high school was the hardest year of high school, especially Connor on the rare occasions he decided to share information about his life, but she never believed them. She just thought Connor was lying or just not trying hard enough.

Now that she was actually a Junior, she realizes that she should’ve listened. She is trying to get as many credits as she can, she’s constantly preparing for standardized tests, and on top of that her parents are already making her look at colleges that she wants to apply to. The added stress of trying to convince them that a music school would be best for her is not helping either, just adding useless anxiety to her everyday life. 

With the week over, she just wanted to lay in bed all weekend and watch her shows. She never really gets a chance to relax over the weekend and she wants to use the most of the time that she can.

“Mom?” she yelled into the house. When she received no answer, she tried again. “Dad?” Again, no answer.

Zoe rolled her eyes. Of course they weren’t home. At this point, it’s not even the fact that they aren’t home that’s the issue, it’s just Zoe would like to know that she would have this giant house to herself before they got home. Phones were invented for a reason.

She made her way up her stairs, instrument in hand, already craving the snacks that she kept hidden in her room. No matter what diet her Mom decided that they should go on, there is no way that they can take her away from her mint Oreo's. She needs her comfort food no matter what.

As Zoe got closer to the top of the stairs, she heard a voice laughing. She paused at the stop, staring at the hall in confusion. She swore that she was the only one home, but the voice suggests otherwise.

She quietly makes her way down the hall towards the sound. She sees light coming from Connor’s door and that’s when it clicks. Connor must be high and watching some dumb videos on YouTube.

“Wouldn’t be the first time..” Zoe mumbles. She walks past the door, ready to get on with her evening, when she hears Connor laugh again.

“Alright you dumbass, I get it!” he laughs. Zoe stares at the door, deeply confused. There was no way that her brother was dumb enough to try and sneak someone into the house.

Then again, who would he have to sneak in? As far as Zoe knows, the only friend that he has would be Evan, but Evan doesn’t seem like the kind of kid that would sneak into a friend’s house to get high.

“I can’t believe you are comparing me to a Koala, Evan. That’s such a dick move.” Koalas? “I don’t  _ care  _ if you think that I would adapt out of spite and I don’t give a shit if you have enough evidence. I don’t wanna hear that you compare me to a fucking koala.”

What...would even prompt that kind of conversation? Why is Evan comparing her brother to a koala? Koalas are soft and sweet and slow and her brother is...not.

There was a pause on the other line, almost for a full minute, and Zoe was about to leave her brother to his weird conversaton when she heard him go ‘hm?’. She leaned in closer when she heard her brother let out a heavy sigh.

“You want me to do  _ what _ ?”

That is a great question. What does Evan want him to do?

“She hates me Evan. There is no amount of talking that is ever going to fix that or any aspect of our relationship.” 

For once, Zoe also agrees with Connor. Evan most likely told Connor about the conversation that they had in the hallway. While Zoe hasn’t talked to Evan a lot, she gets the feeling that he would be the kind of person that would want everything to work out between everyone. As sad as it is, that will never happen between Connor and Zoe. Zoe doesn’t think that she can even try to become closer to someone that has threatened to  _ kill  _ her. 

“Okay. Let’s say that for some fucking reason Zoe and I decide to talk about our feelings like some normal ass siblings, what would I even say to her?”

There’s nothing that he could say that would make Zoe listen. They would end up fighting two minutes into the conversation and it would just worsen their relationship. Any kind of communication between the two just seemed pointless.

“What do I want to say to her?” Connor continued. There was a long pause. She guesses that he was trying to think of something.

_ Probably not anything nice, that fucking druggie _ Zoe thought.

“I’d want to tell her that I still see her. Even if I’m high and angry all the fucking time, I still notice things she does.”

Wait...what?

“I...She does this thing when she gets antsy, and I remember her doing stuff like it while growing up. She’ll start drawing on her jeans when she gets bored. Like, you know how she cuffs her jeans?” A pause. “Yeah, the bottom of her jeans. If you look closely you can see tiny ass stars just covering her jeans. Once I saw her draw a moon, and I wanna say Saturn or some shit?”

He...notices that? Zoe glanced down at her jeans and sure enough, it was the jeans that she was doodled on the most. Saturn was at the very bottom of the cuff and she had gone up from there so to her it looked rightside up but to someone else it was upside down.

“God, and you know those teen magazines? Those stupid ass ones that have dumb news about celebrtiies no one cares about? Well, my mom still has subscriptions to them for Zoe since she’s a teen. Zoe now pretends that she doesn’t read them, that she is more educated, but I have seen her taking the quizzes in there.”

He  _ what _ .

Connor let out a laugh. “Really! I’m not fucking kidding! She’s such a fucking nerd about it too! I’ve watched her bookmark quizzes that she wants to take on their websites, and there are times that I walk by her room when the door is open and I see those shitty magazines with bookmarks in them!”

Zoe’s face was burning red with embarrassment. She tried hiding those quizzes for a reason! She didn’t want anyone thinking that she actually believed what they say.

Which she  _ doesn’t _ . She just...really wants to see what the quizzes say. Which is normal! She’s a Junior in high school, where she is constantly stressed about standardized tests as well as the impending doom of graduating, choosing a college, and becoming an adult.

“She’s just...she’s perfect, Evan. Compared to me? She’s everyone’s ideal child. She’s just…. I don’t know how to say it without being weird.” There was a moment of silence before Connor let out another heavy sigh. “Okay, fine. It’s just… She’s gorgeous. And not in a weird way. She just… she has this way of drawing people in and welcoming them in, and I think it’s all in her smile.”

“No one talks to me—which I’m not too upset about, don’t get me wrong—but they don’t talk to me because I look angry all the time. Even when Zoe is upset, she tries to give people a bright smile so that they aren’t afraid of her. It’s all in her smile and it’s just… amazing how beautiful it is. How gorgeous and  _ amazing  _ she is.”

Zoe was going to cry. Here she thought that Connor hated her—and maybe he still does, who knows at this point—but here he is, saying all of these lovely things when Zoe has said nothing but mean things about her brother. Hell, she said all these mean things to her brother’s  _ friend,  _ who is probably his only friend.

Should she let what she is hearing change her opinion on him? He still did get angry a lot, break stuff in the house, yell, get high, and was in and out of the hospital. Zoe truly did think that he was a danger to himself, and sometimes her. He has threatened her life before.

...Right? She wasn’t imagining that?

Oh god what if she was imagining that. That pushed the tears over the edge. She just imagines her brother threatening to kill her from time to time while he is here actually trying to learn things about his sister by  _ watching  _ because she would never actually let him hold a normal conversation with her. 

She doesn’t know what to think anymore.

“That’s the thing, Evan. I don’t fucking  _ know  _ how to tell her these things. It’s like there is a giant canyon in between the two of us and there is no way around it or over it. Evening attempting to cross the rift would end in my death.”

“Affection isn’t one of my strong suits, so I can’t just… look her in the eyes and say ‘I love you’. I do, I really do, I just...can’t say it.”

That was the last straw. Tears started streaming down Zoe’s face at an alarming rate as she tried to hold back her sobs.

She doesn’t know what to feel. Part of her is angry because Connor has the audacity to talk about this behind her back, not even try to talk to her and let her know what he feels and that he doesn’t hate her. That same part is also angry at herself for making her brother feel that he can’t come talk to her, that they can’t tell each other what they feel like normal people.

But she knows why he can’t, and that’s why she is crying. He is right—the rift between them is too wide to cross. If Connor did try to approach her, she would immediately think something is up. They would get in a fight before Connor could even get anything positive out of his mouth because Zoe wouldn’t  _ believe  _ him. He wouldn’t even be able to say before Zoe got up and walked away because that is what she is used to.

They were not raised like normal siblings, and they are not normal. They have a lot of fights and problems that at this point, fixing it would be useless. Her and Connor just...can’t get along. 

But part of her wonders if they would have been able to fix this. If she and Connor had put aside their issues, or if they listened to each other for even five minutes, would things be different?

Zoe slid down the wall, hand held over her mouth as she cried. She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t let Connor know that she heard this conversation with his friend, but she couldn’t go about her life as if she didn’t hear. Would Connor be suspicious if she started being kinder to him? Would he eventually figure it out? Would he get mad? 

Her first thought is  _ of course he would get mad  _ and that doesn’t help the tears stop flowing. Her mind is flooded with nothing but guilt, anger, sadness, and confusion and she doesn’t know what she should do. 

She hears movement next to her. It only takes a split second to realize that Connor is walking towards the door.

The door opens and Zoe snaps her head up, making direct eye contact with her.

Connor froze, staring down at his sister—who probably looks like a mess with mascara running down her face—shocked. He quickly masks whatever he is feeling with a defensive glare.

“...I’ll call you back later, Evan.”

**Author's Note:**

> Again, I'm sorry this is so short. It should be longer but I can only write so much about Zoe eavesdropping on her brother and her thoughts about it?? I'm really sorry. I'm the equivalent of Dan Howell with how I write. I post and then it takes months to hear from me again. I'm so sorry   
> Also yes I'm aware the title should be "If I could tell her" but I already have a story called that and I didn't wanna to take it down so I just chose a different title. Kinda ruins the vibe but rip I guess  
> Really gonna try getting the next part out quick. I'm trying my best but college is beating my ass and I have to study and work a job and I'm just...ahhhh
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr!: igottoomuchwriting


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